Tag Archives: power

The Meditation of My Heart

Yesterday, I got a little smidget of milk.  Unfortunately, I am lactose intolerant – and an hour later, my body rebelled against the intruder and furiously expelled its contents. Severely dehydrated,  I passed out a couple of times, and by the time my husband arrived home, my body was limp and unresponsive.

Limp.  Unresponsive.

These words more likely refer to my spiritual state when I neglect to actively feed God’s word into my heart.  Unintentionally, I fill my heart with life draining, worldly pursuits and convictions.

Consequently, my weakness – anxiety – creeps into my heart and feeds my mind  lies about my identity in Christ and His power in my life.  And I lose perspective.

For me, the consequences of ignoring my failing weakness will translate to muscle spasms and tightness, headaches, high blood pressure, sleepless nights, and panic attacks.

At that point, I can’t deny a problem.   I have to deal with it.

But progressively, my heart is becoming more sensitive to God’s voice calling me to turn from this world and into His arms.    And in the moment I fall, I cling to a special verse that is embedded deep in my heart.

  May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.  (Psalm 19:14)

I pray this verse.

And I confess.  I confess all the distrust.  The self reliance.  And the untrue convictions that I place in my heart.

And as I seek Him, He changes the meditation of my heart.

His peace transcends my heart.

My hope is renewed.

And His power transforms.

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,  and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength  he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms…

Ephesians 1:18-20

Obsolete Inadequacy

Leesy rapidly dismounts any prior organization and stirs up chaos in the activities of her older siblings – as she topples towers and eats their prized possessions.

She seeks and destroys.

But the destruction in my life does not root from chaos and disastrous messes.  The greatest destruction lays in my own mind.  In my thoughts.

I am not good enough. Incapable.  Everyone hates me. I always fail.  I do not deserve that.  I annoy everyone.   I always mess this up.  I am invisible.  I always say the wrong thing.  

But when I engage in such  self destructive thoughts, my heart sinks in despair.  And I simply can’t divorce my mind from dwelling on internal turmoil.

know, in the depths of my soul, that I am completely inadequate.

But God has slowly been redefining my inadequacy.  My inadequacy used to be a shame.  A complete failure. Consuming.

But in Christ’s redemption, my inadequacy is obsolete.  Because of His great love, and the price He paid for my soul, I am treasured.  Priceless.  Cherished. Simply because I am His child.

In a new position of great worth, my inadequacy is celebrated by His constant empowerment.

Because of my weakness – because I AM inadequate –  I can joyfully operate in His power and His strength.

 

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

 

Isaiah 40:29 NLT

 

An Ungodly Mess

Huge dinner mess.

Piles of laundry.

Throw up.

Broken dishes.

Neglected naps.

I am tempted to come unglued.  I am tempted to let my emotions snap my words and actions into a very ungodly mess.

But honestly, I have absolutely no desire to adhere to any form of regulatory Mama behavior.

My mind recounts Zaiah’s temper tantrum over a drop of spilled applesauce.  And I want to react to my current situation like THAT.  I could stand to whine, stomp my foot, and cry a tear or two.

But I know that my cold state of heart propels me into an evil abyss abundant in selfishness and regret.

So, I reach for peace.  I struggle to muster a bit of kindness.  And I attempt to coat my coerced words into a sweet patience.

But I can’t fake it.  That desire to snap superceeds my best efforts to pretend patience and love in the midst of exhaustion and emotional frazzlement.

I don’t want to yell at the kid who repeatedly raids the pantry before dinner.

But regrettably, my heart reflects the absence of God’s peace.

I know that I need the love of Christ to intervene.  But I can’t escape my current condition.  I cannot separate my thoughts from the current spread of distraction and frustrating enticement.

My unresponsive heart is acutely aware that supernatural power is absolutely necessary to overcome my cold demeanor.

 And so, I pray.

 I surrender to God.

  I pray for God to impose His power upon my heart.

And as His power flows into my heart, I change.

I am tired.  I am stressed.

But in spite of a mess, laundry, throw up, broken dishes, and neglected naps – my heart rests in Him.

  Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

James 4:7 NIV

Hold Me Tight

Walking through a parking lot with four young children invites countless opportunity for irreversible mishaps.

I only have two hands.  And so, I balance the diaper bag, my purse, and Leesy on one arm.  And then with my other hand, I hold Zaiah’s hand – who holds Eli’s hand – who holds Abby’s hand.  It’s an excursion rather avoided.

DSCN6856During one of our outings, I let go of Zaiah’s hand to adjust my purse.  But Zaiah was clearly displeased.

“Mama,” he squealed, “Don’t let go.  I might run away!”

He was acutely aware of his own temptation.  He needed me to hold him tight.

And I need God to hold me tight.

Especially in those numerous moments of temptation.

And failure.

But I often fail to lean on Him.   And I stumble.  My concerns slowly penetrate my hearts peace.  And soon, those concerns magnify and occupy my heart.  And that crippling anxiety threatens to overcome me.

But as that fear creeps into my heart, my desperation leaves me acutely aware of God’s loving embrace.

Even in my failure, God is holding me tight.

And I am confident in Him.  I will never return to where I once resided in complete defeat.

His power resides in me.

And He will finish the work He has begun.

 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

                                                                                      Philippians 1:6

The Power to Change

It’s the social interactions that get me.

 

I always think THIS time will be different.

Without God’s intervention, though, it always turns out the same.

A year ago, my daughter’s first grade class needed chaperons for their field trip.  With small children at home, it is one of the best ways I can be involved with my children at school.

Before I even entered the school, I lost control of my breathing.  Hyperventilation.  It doesn’t make sense.  But it always happens.

To make matters worse, my big pregnant self tripped, belly flopped and rolled into a crowd of waiting mothers.  That certainly did not help my racing heart and sweating palms.

By the time that I drove to our destination, I wanted to throw up.  But I plastered a smile on my face and politely suffered through the trip for my daughter’s sake.

But there did come a time when it was different…

A few months ago, my son’s class went to the petting zoo.  With an infant, I was running late so I had to ask around and find his class after they had already arrived.  I got to spend time enjoying my son and meeting some of his classmates.  We had a great time.

There is huge freedom  in realizing that God’s power, strength, and love are residing in me.   I am not only saved –  God also lives in me.  I am not bound by my insecurities, my selfish desires, my wavering heart because God crucified it.  In my heart lives the God Almighty….all the power of the universe living inside me.

I do not have the power to change.

But God does.

He makes me different.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

                                                                                      Galatians 2:20 NIV

 

How does God make you different?