Tag Archives: Failure

Obsolete Inadequacy

Leesy rapidly dismounts any prior organization and stirs up chaos in the activities of her older siblings – as she topples towers and eats their prized possessions.

She seeks and destroys.

But the destruction in my life does not root from chaos and disastrous messes.  The greatest destruction lays in my own mind.  In my thoughts.

I am not good enough. Incapable.  Everyone hates me. I always fail.  I do not deserve that.  I annoy everyone.   I always mess this up.  I am invisible.  I always say the wrong thing.  

But when I engage in such  self destructive thoughts, my heart sinks in despair.  And I simply can’t divorce my mind from dwelling on internal turmoil.

know, in the depths of my soul, that I am completely inadequate.

But God has slowly been redefining my inadequacy.  My inadequacy used to be a shame.  A complete failure. Consuming.

But in Christ’s redemption, my inadequacy is obsolete.  Because of His great love, and the price He paid for my soul, I am treasured.  Priceless.  Cherished. Simply because I am His child.

In a new position of great worth, my inadequacy is celebrated by His constant empowerment.

Because of my weakness – because I AM inadequate –  I can joyfully operate in His power and His strength.

 

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

 

Isaiah 40:29 NLT

 

God’s Love Covers Me

Behind the plastered smile lays the real FEARSANXIETIES,and STRUGGLES.

I ignore them, and instead of God interrupting my sinful heart, hypocracy invades my sinful heart.

And I fool myself into thinking that plastered smile is real.

I bury my HURT.

I bury my FRUSTRATION.

And I bury my SELFISHNESS.

And then, when I realize the awful path I have chosen, I cringe at my failure to rely on God.  My body physically reacts – my muscles increasingly, and powerfully, tense up until a muscle tic overtakes my control.

Panic sets in.  Then, I realize that I lost focus.

 And I hate it.

But when I don’t pretend perfection,  God heals the hurt, frustration, and selfishness.

But despite my imperfect faith, GOD IS perfect.

Even when I wallow in my imperfection, his LOVE covers me.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear……….

1 John 4:18

This post can be found at Grandma’s Blog Hop

Where I am Weak, He is Strong

The Mistake

Any sain individual would have been hysterical at the absurdity in our household.

Over cookies.

Mike, unfortunately, had a day that involved inside-out underwear, no lunch and a large pile of work issues.

He had a bad day.

And I knew it.

He asked me to make him cookies.  Eager to bring some light to his day, I agreed.  But, as the evening wore on, a pile of dishes beckoned along with the procrastinated checkbook, bills, and taxes that needed my attention…immediately.

Overwhelmed with my surmounting list of duties, I opted out of the cookies.

Mistake.

We battled all evening.

I calmly held my position of martyred, overworked wife…until I finally snapped and exploded on his selfishness.  And he, of course, bitterly and intensely battled for the one morsel of goodness in his day.  It wasn’t just cookies – he wanted me to make them (out of love, of course).  And my heart was violently opposed to any devotion of love.

It finally climaxed as he cleaned the kitchen AND cooked the one kind of cookies I hate - Peanut Butter.

A bitter end.

Guilt

As the day ended and I looked at him fast asleep, the guilt kicked in.  I knew I had failed on so many levels.

Even when he provoked me, he needed my love and encouragement.  And instead, I dished him out the same dose of conditional love and disregard he had received all day.

But to add to my distasteful failure, I had also been praying for extra grace, patience, and kindness so that I would not explode on him.

And I still exploded.

But, fortunately, my God already is graceful, patient and kind.

Where I am weak, He is so STRONG.

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

The Baby Gate

Plans

I planned on having a positive start with a new group of women.  And I planned on relying on God’s strength to overcome my temptation to succumb to anxiety.

I have hope.  Hope that God is continuing the change He has begun in me.

But, perhaps, I was a little too confident of my ability to lean on Him.

Clumsy Me

I attended a new women’s bible study.  It was the first opportunity I had to connect at our new church.

I was excited.  I knew exactly where I was going – which relieves a huge portion of my potential stress.  And I was early.  However, I walked in the door only to find myself standing smack in the middle of the study – which was already in progress.

This was not part of my plan.  It threw me off guard.

Instead of abiding in God’s peace, I automatically reverted to my old habits of self reliance and insecurity.  And when I get nervous, I am clumsy.

I tried to put Zaiah into his class but He vehemently objected. I tried to force him to separate but we engaged in a push and pull battle leading to my clumsy climax.

 I tumbled.

And broke the baby gate.

Failure

 

Me

As I finally sat down with the other women, I cringed.   I could feel that old, awkward, insecure blanket of fear wrapping around me.  I knew in my head that I had no reason to succumb to the pattern of anxiety that had dictated my thoughts and actions for years.  And I knew that God had the power to release me.

But I panicked as I tried to force away my anxiety.  My thoughts raced, my breathing sped up – I knew I was in the beginnings of a panic attack.

But then, a verse appeared on the screen.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight,
    O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Psalm 19:14 ESV

 

This meditation of my heart is not pleasing to my Lord.

I am so fearful of outwardly revealing my anxiety that I am completely and totally focused on ME.

Failure

I had planned on a fresh start.  And I planned on living in God’s abundant strength.

But I failed.

Not because I arrived late and interrupted.  Not because I am a clutz and broke their gate.  But I failed because I retracted into the perilous amiss of my mind.  I dwelled on my own mess.  Me.  Me.  Me.

I feel horrible.  But God wipes clean my mess.  He gives me His compassion.  He is faithful even on these days that I am not.

And tomorrow …..

It is a new day.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

                                        Lamentations 3: 22-23

Continue with Rely on Him | The Ruckus and Labels

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Double Jeopardy