The Baby Gate

Plans

I planned on having a positive start with a new group of women.  And I planned on relying on God’s strength to overcome my temptation to succumb to anxiety.

I have hope.  Hope that God is continuing the change He has begun in me.

But, perhaps, I was a little too confident of my ability to lean on Him.

Clumsy Me

I attended a new women’s bible study.  It was the first opportunity I had to connect at our new church.

I was excited.  I knew exactly where I was going – which relieves a huge portion of my potential stress.  And I was early.  However, I walked in the door only to find myself standing smack in the middle of the study – which was already in progress.

This was not part of my plan.  It threw me off guard.

Instead of abiding in God’s peace, I automatically reverted to my old habits of self reliance and insecurity.  And when I get nervous, I am clumsy.

I tried to put Zaiah into his class but He vehemently objected. I tried to force him to separate but we engaged in a push and pull battle leading to my clumsy climax.

 I tumbled.

And broke the baby gate.

Failure

 

Me

As I finally sat down with the other women, I cringed.   I could feel that old, awkward, insecure blanket of fear wrapping around me.  I knew in my head that I had no reason to succumb to the pattern of anxiety that had dictated my thoughts and actions for years.  And I knew that God had the power to release me.

But I panicked as I tried to force away my anxiety.  My thoughts raced, my breathing sped up – I knew I was in the beginnings of a panic attack.

But then, a verse appeared on the screen.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight,
    O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Psalm 19:14 ESV

 

This meditation of my heart is not pleasing to my Lord.

I am so fearful of outwardly revealing my anxiety that I am completely and totally focused on ME.

Failure

I had planned on a fresh start.  And I planned on living in God’s abundant strength.

But I failed.

Not because I arrived late and interrupted.  Not because I am a clutz and broke their gate.  But I failed because I retracted into the perilous amiss of my mind.  I dwelled on my own mess.  Me.  Me.  Me.

I feel horrible.  But God wipes clean my mess.  He gives me His compassion.  He is faithful even on these days that I am not.

And tomorrow …..

It is a new day.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

                                        Lamentations 3: 22-23

Continue with Rely on Him | The Ruckus and Labels

For a devotional on God’s forgiveness visit:

Double Jeopardy

 

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