Desperate

Leesy intends on twisting and squirming away from her diaper change until she discovers that I am stronger and more determined than her.

Zaiah tries to make a peanut butter sandwich all by himself until he smears more peanut butter on the table than the bread.

Eli is Spiderman until he tries to climb the wall.

Abby plays Mamma until a stinky diaper appears.

And I thought I had it all together – until I didn’t anymore.

But the truth is I never had it all together. Before I unraveled, I didn’t desperately need God to intervene.

But it did get worse before it got better.

I developed a muscle spasm in my neck and shoulders.   My head spastically jerked toward my shoulder.  It was involuntary. I had no relief.  I suffered at nighttime, daytime, home – but especially if I was in public.

Many people assumed I was retarded.

After testing, the doctor initially told me that there was nothing to be done.  It was psycholgical.

God had my attention.  I was desperate for Him to intervene.

It took months.  But I finally started to move beyond acceptance of His gift of salvation and I began to comprehend the infinite depth of God’s love for me.  And as God began molding my heart into what He wanted, He transformed an unraveled basket case into a God dependent heart.

About the same time, the doctor concluded that  my muscular issues were probably derived from Tourettes – which had been suppressed during childhood.  I responded to muscle relaxers, but ultimately, the severity of the muscle spasm is determined by the state of my heart.

And God has been good to me.

Few have seen that muscle spasm recently.  I rarely even have to take a muscle relaxer.

But I still have an unrelenting temptation to succumb to a spastic jerk.  It’s always waiting to attack.

If I am under some minuscule stress, it may transfer to an eye blink or hand tremors.

But when I am tempted to believe Satan’s lies – when I doubt who I am in Christ and the unique purpose He has made me to fill for His glory – the muscle spasm appears.   My heart constantly dabbles in temptation.

But I still thank God.

Because that spasm reminds me that my heart has strayed.

It keeps me aware of my hearts condition.

It keeps me desperate.

For God.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God

Psalm 42:1 NIV

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